


The Only Way He Knew How

by its_a_supernatural_love



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, F/M, Longing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-06
Updated: 2017-01-06
Packaged: 2018-09-15 06:04:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9222239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/its_a_supernatural_love/pseuds/its_a_supernatural_love
Summary: Just a drabble set sometime in early season 1. Sam misses Jess more than he realized and wants her back. (I am not a writer, but this was stuck in my head and I figured I may as well put it up here)"Note in one hand, box of talismans and her picture the other. It hurt too much, he needed her, he wanted her and he wanted the ache in his chest to be gone. This way the only way he knew how…"





	

Sam’s hands brushed over the folded piece of paper, soft after being held and folded and unfolded so much. He took it out of his wallet, looking at the handwriting for the thousandth time, reading the words his mind had memorized a long ago. “Be back soon. I love you Sam. – Jess” He couldn’t remember when Jess had started leaving post-its around the apartment. It had begun as just little notes to herself. Just little to-do lists, something she needed to pick up at the grocery store, art supplies she wanted. He’d bought her two packs of different colored post-its as a joke one Christmas, and after a while she began to write ones for him. Sometimes silly; pictures of an awkward moose often starred in those ones, and sometimes just to say ‘I love you.’ 

Sam smiled sadly, pressing his fingers along the creases of the paper. He had saved them all, every single little message she had left for him. He kept them in a box in the closet, in a corner she didn’t really pay attention to. He’d look at them whenever they had a fight, or when he missed Dean. It helped him feel less alone, a little comforted. After the fire they were on the road too quickly too think about the box, if it even had survived the fire. He often wondered in it did, if a firefighter found it in the corner of their closet, partially burned, but most of the notes still legible. The little pieces of a life already too broken to be saved. It was only by chance he had this one with him, just a small stroke of luck, back when he believed in luck. Jess had handed it to him as he kissed her goodbye, for what turned out to be the last time. 

He’d found the note in his wallet two weeks after her death, completely forgotten, this final link to her. Sam had cried for a while after he’d found it, just seeing her handwriting made him realize how much he missed her. How much he missed the little things, having someone to wake up with every morning and to greet him when he came home late from studying at the library. The little gestures that reminded him that someone was there for him.  
And so, he kept it. It was pretty much the only thing he had left of her, save for a few pictures, which he didn’t have very many of. Sam didn’t take it out often after the day he found it, he tried not to dwell over it. But that little colored square was never far from his mind.

Which is how, after one night of uncharacteristically drinking his pain and loneliness away, he found himself stumbling to a crossroads in the middle of nowhere. Note in one hand, box of talismans and her picture the other. It hurt too much, he needed her, he wanted her- he wanted the ache in his chest to be gone. This way the only way he knew how…

His hands dug through the gravel, scratching his fingertips. As soon as he had a hole big enough he took the note, pressed it gently to his lips and put it in the box; brushing the dirt and gravel back over the hole and standing up. He looked around expectantly, turning in circles and he grew more and more frantic when no one appeared. He knew he had everything right, he could put together the ingredients in his sleep. “Please!” Sam yelled, dropping to his knees. “Please….I just want her back…” He buried his head in his hands, wondering what to do now. He looked up when he heard footsteps, light and moving towards him slowly. His hands fell to his sides and he stood up, not knowing what to think, ‘Am I dead? I must be…there’s no other way.’ For a second, Sam believed with all his heart that he had died, that this was it. It was the only way Jess could be standing in front of him right now.

He looked at her, her blond curls falling to her shoulders looking as beautiful as he remembered, and he smiled. He didn’t have to live without her now, the price was worth the gain if he could be with Jess forever. He started walking towards her, opening his arms for an embrace when she stepped back, and his illusion shattered. “Am I…am I not dead?” Sam asked her, disappointment coloring his voice as he felt his shoulders fall. Jess smiled at him, sadness in her eyes, “No, Sam.” She answered. He nodded, before anxiety gripped him as he realized there’s only one other way she could be appearing to him now. “Jess, please tell me you’re not a demon, you couldn’t have gone to hell. You deserve better, you don’t belong there!” She smiled again at his concern. “No, they…made an exception. “ “An exception?” he asked, “why?” “You know why, Sam” she replied. “You can’t do this.” Sam glanced at her before closing his eyes, trying not to cry. “Jess, I can’t do it any longer. I’m too tired, it’s too hard. I just want to be with you.” Sam opened his eyes, staring into hers, wishing he could hold her. She was so close and couldn’t even hug her, kiss her. “Sam,” she said gently, “You know this is not the way. You know this isn’t right, this isn’t what I want. You can’t sell your soul.” Hearing these words from her mouth, her voice, made him realize. No taking the easy way out. 

Sam sighed, letting the tears escape his eyes and he nodded. “I know Jess, I know…I just…I just want you back with me.” “I want to be with you too, Sam. We will be. But not now. It’s too soon.” Sam scoffed. ‘Too soon.’ “Jess it was too soon for you, I should have told you…this shouldn’t have happened! I should have protected you.” Jess took a step closer, longing to comfort him. “Sam, there was nothing you would have been able to do,” he shook his head and stared at the ground, blinking away tears. “Sam look at me,” he slowly raised his head, looking into her blue eyes, a sight so familiar and comforting that he almost felt happy. “You know it would have ended this way, whether you had told me or not. It was predestined.” Sam gave a small nod, just staring at her with sorrowful eyes. Jess flickered, almost disappearing completely before becoming visible again. “Wait, Jessica!” Sam shouted, running to where she was standing. “Please, stay a little longer.” He asked, wishing he could hug, kiss her, hold her hand- anything. “I’m sorry Sam, but I can’t. I’ve stayed here too long.” She looked at him, tears in her eyes as she saw the broken shell of the man she loved. “I will always love you Sam, please know that.” He nodded, crying freely. “And I never blamed you, not once. This was not your fault Sam Winchester. Remember that.” Sam drew in a shaky breath, and tried to clear his throat enough to talk. His voice came out in a cracked whisper, “I love you too Jess. So much. Forever.” She smiled at him, her vision becoming blurry and faded. “Please take of yourself Sam, I love you.” “Jess wait!” he yelled. ‘Please don’t leave me’ Sam though, reaching out for her faded figure and feeling a short blast of cold air slip through his fingers before she disappeared for good. He sank to the ground, curling back into the position he was in before. Sam wasn’t sure how long he sat there, but he got up only when he realized how cold he was. He dug out the box, taking out her picture and his note and putting them in his pocket. Picking up the rest of the talismans in his hands he started to walk away, stopping a few lengths down the road to stare back at the spot Jess had been standing earlier. He put his hand in his pocket and curled it around the note. ‘I promise I’ll take care of myself, for you, Jess. Guess that means I won’t be back soon. Love you,’ Sam thought as he walked away, trying to memorize every beautiful detail of her so to distract himself from renewed ache that had settled in his heart.


End file.
